Miranda North aka Code Name: Arid
by Erin North
Summary: Miranda North is one of ISIS' top agents. Under a certain someone. Sterling Archer. Miranda always worked on her own, taking on missions, sometimes getting into near-certain-death situations. But when ISIS starts to lose their agents(no thanks to a certain someone) Malory has everyone take backup. No, not extra gear. An actual agent. (Voiced by Rachelle LeFevere)
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One:**

"I hope you understand why I am doing this, Miranda. We're running out of agents-" The orange haired woman cut Malory off. "Yeah, yeah. They're being killed. It's not my fault they can't turn their personal phones off." Malory rolled her eyes, setting her drink down. "Not every agent has two phones, Miranda." She replied. Miranda glanced at her. "But we should." She retorted. Malory nodded, pulling out a file. "This is your last mission on your own. There have been some assassination attempts in Sweden on the Princesses, Victoria and Madeline. I want you to go there and remove the threat immediately. And be quick about it too. I'll be getting more missions soon and I'll need you here." Miranda picked the file up, opening it as she walked out of Malory's office. Malory stood in front of the large window, looking over the city as the stars above shone through the night. A smile smirk appeared on her face before she took another drink.

"Protect my Daughters with your life." The man finished, two beautiful young woman standing behind them. All three stood up straight, noses in the air, whereas Miranda stood leaning to her right and her arms crossed. Having heard this speech multiple times before. "Yes, I'll be more than happy to." She lied smoothly. He nodded, having a servant guide her to her guest room.

Few Days Later

(Miranda's P.o.V)

I peered through the scope, seeing yet another man in a black suit with a pin of the German flag being shown on his suit jacket pocket. "Why would Germany be trying to assassinate a Swedish Princess? They've been neutral countries for so long…." I muttered to myself before pulling the trigger. That was the fifth man I shot, which means I only got three more to find. I walked back down to the dining hall, my gun carelessly hanging off my hip. "You stupid agent." I heard a female German accent, making me look behind me. "Oh?" I fully turned. "This is an interesting turn of events." I stated. The maid sneered at me. "ISIS agents. Hmph. Pathetic." A man said from behind her. There were two men. Both having the German flag… Great. Three in one. "I'm assuming you're the one running this whole organization." I said, walking closer. The two men stepped closer, glaring at me. "Stop where you are." They demanded. I smirked at them, before obeying. "May I ask why, though?" I asked her. She just scoffed, folding her arms. "That Victoria slut. She took my brother away from me. Made _him_ fall in _love_ with _her_." I raised an eyebrow. "That's a problem how?" I was confused, yet had a few ideas going through my mind. "He's _Mine!_ " She yelled at me. I made a face of disgust. "Ew, no. God, no. No no no no no. Did I mention, No?!" I exclaimed. She glared at me. "Whatever. I love him. That's all that matters. I wont let anyone get in my way, not even a pathetic little weasel like you." She spat. I smirked, moving my hands down to my pocket. The men' guns clicked, trying to seem more threatening. "Hey, Just one second. Calm down, I need to grab something." They looked confused…. I pulled out the smoke grenade and took off the pick, throwing it in front of me. I heard the woman yelling in German, I could hardly catch the words since I ended up getting shot at. Of course they had no clue where I was exactly. But I knew where they were. I shoot three times and all movement ceased… The smoke finally cleared, and I looked to see three bodies. I head a gasp from behind. "You killed our maid!" There was a screech. I turned, glaring at the man. "Okay, now that my job is done, I don't have to put up with you and your arrogance. The threat was removed. And I'd tell your daughter to be careful with her boyfriend. He's not who she thinks he is." I stated, going back to my room and grabbing my pack.

One Day Later

"That was fast." Malory said, seeing me walk into her office. I smirked. "Of course. You ask, I give." I said as I sat in the leather seat before her. "So, I you've got a few days off. It seems that the other agents took on the other missions. I'll call you if anything happens before Thursday." She dismissed me.

"I'm home!" I called to no one. I walked into my expensive apartment, locking the door behind me. I had one camera in each room. First thing I usually do on my days off is sleep. So of course I eat a quick dinner, which is a cup of microwavable Ramen, then walk into my dark blue bedroom. It had a large vanity to the left, a black door that led into a masterbath. My bed was queen sized and had a black silk blanket lazily thrown on it. My white pillows were slightly shuffled and misplaced. To my right was a large window and a door that led to a patio, which had a hot tub and a dinning set on it. I walked into my bathroom, and started stripping myself of my weapons. I grabbed a drawer handle before turning it to face up and down. The wall in my shower was pulled back, making a slightly loud sound as though I were moving furniture and it scrapped along the floor. Inside was a blue light. I walked in, weapons in hand. It was an armory. I placed my weapons in their correct spots before going out and turning the drawer handle to it's original pose. I stripped myself of my clothes this time. My black jacket dropping to the floor, my dark red t-shirt following. I unclipped my black bra and let it fall off my shoulders before pulling down my skin tight jeans and kick them to the corner. Leaving me in my basic black panties. I took those off as well. I walked to my bath and turned the nob. It was always hotter than most people would prefer, from what I've learned. Which is why my past boyfriends never really took showers unless it was me who joined them. I sat on the ledge, my knee propped up, my chin resting on it as I thought.

I laid down in my comfortable soft bed, my hair blown dry yet still not brushed so it was thrown all over the pillows. I was wearing a different set of underwear, and a red tank top. My usual sleepwear. I stared up at the ceiling…

I never get much sleep. I always think too much, even though there isn't much in my life to think about. I have no family. No friends. Nothing but my job...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two:**

(Miranda's P.o.V)

Not even two days after my short "vacation," Malory called me. Saying that all official agents of ISIS would be at some fancy party for someone of the English royal family. And now I'm lingering near the staircase, away from Malory and whoever she was with.

My dress was a mint blue heart shaped sleeveless that hugged to my chest. My hair was done up in a bun with an elegant flower accessory. Silver gems littered from the top of my dress, splitting to a V towards my hips. My silver pumps were covered from the bottom of the dress. I can tell I stood out. Probably because I did a mint blue dress, and my vibrant orange-red hair was more noticeable.

"Oh, there she is now. Miranda! Miranda, come here please!" I internally groaned when I see Malory waving to me. "There we are. Lord Feltchley, may I present Miss Lana Kane, and my top woman agent, Miranda North." I then noticed the tall mocha skinned woman standing there. Her cleavage being over shown at the edges of her turtle neck dress.

I couldn't help but feel her glare as blue eyes met green. "Yes, you bloody well may!" He laughed, taking Lana's hand and kissing-more like slobbering- all over it. She tried to play it calm, but she ended up having to tear her hand from the old man. He ended up bowing to me…. Should I be grateful or offended by that? Eh. I'm grateful he didn't slobber all over my hands. "Excuse me, I need a drink." I spoke softly.

I ended up on the other side of the room, a good view of what was happening instead of just seeing the staircase.

"A secret agent! That's what I am." My head snapped in the direction of the voice. I seen a man with black hair, clearly drunk out of his mind, hitting on a…. Woman? No… That's a man. Maybe he's a drag. Oh well. But that drunk fool was just shouting out his cover.

Of course I know that fool. Well, not personally. Formally. Never really made contact with him. Malory speaks about him. Sterling Archer. Her son.

"And I shouldn't even be telling you that, but you have a certain.. _thickness_ about you that I find very appealing." He said to the poor man. "Well, I find your drunkenness very unappealing."

I then notice his voice wasn't really the right tone. I know some gay men/cross dressers/transgender have different voices compared to the average male, but this was just to fake and….. Unusual. Like they weren't used to it either unusual.

"I am drunk, or I wouldn't be talking to you." Archer admitted. The man then scoffed and started walking away, but Archer reached out for his dress. He must've had a strong hold on it, seeing as right after, the dress was ripped from the man's body. Revealing a bomb. My eyes widened seeing he was a suicide bomber. I don't have my weapons. I watched as archer grabbed a waiter's tray and let the drinks fall to the floor, crashing. The suicide bomber started shouting but I couldn't quite get what he was saying since his accent was so thick. Archer aimed the tray and threw it like a Frisbee. It successfully knocked the Irishman out. I let out a breath of relief, walking over to the body that lay unconscious. I sat down next to it, staring at the bomb for moment before Malory handed me a pair of scissors. "Do what you need to do." She her walked to her son, leaving me to start cutting.

"So who am I partnering with on this?" I asked, holding up a file. "Ray Gillette. He's a good spy, very analytical like you, but he slightly stumbles in the physical category." Malory said. "I heard that." A male's voice snapped. I saw a man with blonde hair, a moustache, and brown eyes. "Gillette. Ray." He held his hand out for me. I smirked, taking it and shaking firmly. "Miranda North." I reply smoothly. His eyes widen. "Wait, North?" I nodded… What was his problem? "So Arid is a woman?" Oh, right. Malory only ever revealed my last name. "Yes. Since you know about me, and I'm assuming you've heard good things, you know just how well I am at my job." I said. We bid Malory goodbye, walking out of the office together.

"So, why don't we ever see you around in the office?!" Ray asked, strapping this parachute on. The roar of the plane's engine made it harder to hear him, but I still did. "Because I don't sit around on my ass all day! I actually do my missions!" I shouted back. The light flashed green and the door lowered down. Ray and I both walked down, I nodded to one of the guards before jumping off and falling towards the earth.

~~ Le Time Skip Cause I is too lazy to explain the mission

It was definitely easier. Working with someone. Ray and I walked out of the elevator, him with a slight limp since he was injured. A simple bruise.

"Both of you imagine shutting up!" I heard Malory shout as Ray and I stepped out of the elevator… We sent each other a look and started walking in the other direction. "Just where do you think you two are going?" A stern voice met my ears.

Ray and I stiffened, freezing on the spot. We turned around, linking arms around each other's shoulder. "Oh, us?" Ray started. "We were just, uh, going to get some water! Yeah, that's it." I made up. Ray nodded in agreement. What? Let's just say… He's my new friend. Correction, only friend. "Heheh. Yeah. That mission was long, and so was the plane back here."

Malory's eyes were disinterested. "Does it look like I give a damn about your thirst? Now, I'm assuming-" "Yes, the mission went well. We were very _thorough_ and _clean_." I cut her off. She sent me a slight glare, which I learned was really her way of saying 'thank-you-for-not-screwing-it-up'. Or at least, I hope it is.

"So… What's going on here?" I asked, seeing all the agents and workers gathered around Malory. "We're going through the requirements. Now, as I was saying!" She exclaimed, turning to the other agents. "After losing Agent Pak last year-" I remember him. Well, hearing of him. He got caught because someone blew his cover. Again, through a cell phone call from a certain someone. "-And then Agent Mgumbe-" Oh, I actually got the chance to meet him. Ran into him on a mission in London. "Loose cannons!" Archer interjected. I rolled my eyes.

Why can't he just take responsibility for once?... Well, he is Malory's son…

"The ISIS palette has become decidedly monochromatic." Malory finally finished. "I'm one-sixty fourth Cherokee." Ray leaned over to me. "Doubt it" He whisper-sang, making me chuckle a bit. "What?" Cheryl asked, seeing everyone was doubting her claim. "A, no, you're probably not." Cyril spoke. "And "B" through "Z" nobody gives a shit." Lana added. Cheryl gasped. "Racist!" Lana's eyes widened. "What?!" Cheryl leaned forward. "You're anti-native American!"

…. Did she.. Did she really just…. Are you fucking kidding me?

A loud, high-pitched whistle flowed through the room. "ITEM 8! We need a diversity hire-" "I vote Asian chick." I rolled my eyes.. Seem to only really do that around him. "-And after an exhaustive search, I found the perfect candidate. So join me in welcoming our new ISIS agent.." We all looked over.

When the hell did this guy get here? I would have seen him by now… Wow, he's actually quite handsome. I noticed all the girls slightly drooling over him. Well, except Lana and I.

"Stern. Conway Stern." He finished. "He's a diversity double-whammy." Malory beamed.

Okay, now is when I started getting suspicious.

Ray and I were just talking as we walked by the locker room entrance. But.. We turned when we heard a gunfire, shouting afterwards. I ran into the locker room without thinking. My eyes widened as I seen Brent laying on the ground holding his leg. I dared to sneak a glance, just to see 'Conway' and Archer standing side by side, naked. I gasped and covered my eyes, spinning around.

I heard Ray laughing hysterically. "Shut it, Gillette. Help me." I felt the heat in my cheeks multiply as I heard Archer yell 'Damn it' nearby. "Nah, you look fine here, hun. Now, I'll be going!" I heard Ray scurry off and decided to take a peek… No one's in sight… I turned towards the exit and carefully treaded to it. But just as it so happens, someone bumps into me. "What the hell?! Why are you in here?!" I heard the familiar arrogant voice. I hopped up and ran for it.

"What the hell?!" I threw my shoe at Ray. "YOU LEFT ME! To die!" I yelled at him, chasing him around my office. It was quite large, but nearly half the size of Malory's. The second biggest office. I heard a slight whirring sound as the door to my office slid open. "Hel-" Whoever it was, was cut off by another incoming shoe.

Ray, of course, dodged it. I seen it was 'Conway'. I didn't bother to apologize. "Well, I'll be going now. By hun!" I made another noise of frustration as I bent down to grab my left shoe. Only for another hand to reach it before me. I looked up to see Conway smiling at me. I snatched it from his hand.

"What the hell do you want, snake?" I asked. His brown eyes narrowed slightly. "Snake?" He questioned. I nodded, slipping on the tennis shoe. "Yeah. I don't trust you. At all. I highly doubt 'Conway Stern' is even your real name. Now." I turned to face him. "What do you want?" He held up a file. "I've taken up some missions. Mind doing one? I hear you're good at persuasion." He said, handing it to me.

I looked down. Raising an eyebrow, I said. "Frodo and Salsa? Seriously? Salsa was done after we found out you were hired. I've been waiting for Lana to get to Frodo, but she seems to be taking her pretty ass time." I shoved the file back in his hand and stormed out of my office. "Where are we going?" Conway asked. I turned to glare at him. "Listen, you may be a good looking smooth talker, but you don't have the hold over the control room as I do."

"Bobby, I need some help." I said to the blonde, fellow nerd. I took a seat in the chair next to him. "Alright, here you go." He slid away from the computer he was on. I sent him a smile and slid my own chair to replace his. I started reading through the codes.

"What are you doing?" Bobby asked. "The tracking devices I installed on all of Frodo's vehicles. Are they still in use?" I asked. I heard Bobby's chair slightly creak. "Not all of them. In fact, only one is still in use. The others have been destroyed. Not removed, but like.." I held my hand up as a map pulled onto the big screen.

I leaned down to the mic. "I need video of the coordinates 40.4200103 north and 3.7018052 west." I ordered. Another screen showed, pushing all the rest to smaller boxes on the side. "You two! What are you doing?!" I heard an angry voice. I ignored the female in the room and focused.

All I caught from the conversation beside me was, "At ease, Admiral Career. Malory was getting impatient on Salsa and-" "Salsa was a highly complex operation." Lana defended. I decided to intervene. "Two phone calls." I smirked slightly as I finished locking exact location. "And as for Frodo..." I trailed off. I watched as the vehicle was shot by a missile. "Well, some pun involving hobbits." I looked up at Conway.

"Like, I bet he wishes he was wearing Bilbo's coat of Dwarven Mithril, right?" Bobby asked. I chuckled. Lord of the Rings. Love it! Hey, I read. Like I said, I'm a nerd in case you haven't learn yet. "Gonna take your word on that." Conway said. I scoffed at him. "Oh yeah?" Lana challenged. "Well take my word on this. I am the top agent around here. So watch it!" She barked and the stormed off.

I rolled my eyes. "In my opinion, you're the top agent." Conway tried. I shoved him away from Lord of the Rings reference, asshole." Then I stormed off.

I sat on 'Cristal's' desk and waited for Malory to get here. She called a meeting with me, and Cristal refuses to reply with an actual response. "Okay, what's this lame meeting about?" I heard a familiar voice ask. I turned my head to see the one person I wished I hadn't.. Ugh.

"Don't know, don't care." Cristal replied with the same response I got. "Excuse me?" Archer asked, baffled. "Oh, my God. Why are you still here?" Cristal spoke with annoyance… "Mother called me for a meeting!" He claimed. Oh no. Please. No. "But I thought Miranda called for a meeting." Archer then noticed I was on the desk, leaning back. "Oh. And By the way! You don't call a meeting, I do!" Malory spoke as though she were talking to a child. I hopped down, my tennis shoes making my short fall quiet. "I thought you called it. I wouldn't have shown up if it weren't you, and I know better than that." I said.

"I called the meeting." I glared at the man. Asshole. "Which I love that you did that." I facepalmed. Are you serious?

"I'm sorry, I know it's not standard procedure but we've got a problem." Conway informed, and I stood straighter. "What kind-" "A problem? Or a blessing~?" Cristal sang… I sent her a glare too.

"A problem." Conway assured.

"It's a silent submarine propulsion system called the Whisper Drive." I stared at the 3D structure of the sub before me on the screen. "Ooh, sounds sexy." Malory said, trying to sound seductive. I nearly gagged at it, but Archer seemed to react. "Would you stop it?!" He exclaimed. "Folks, please." Conway tried to intervene. "Embarrassing." Archer added. Malory sent her son a glare. "You're embarrassing." She snapped.

"Jesus." Conway closed his eyes as the two fell silent. Boxes on the screen moved, and were replaced with background info on a 'Wilhelm Schmeck'. "-I've tracked him to South Beach where he's arranged to sell the plans to Cuban Naval Intelligence. If that happens, undetectable Cuban missile subs could be parked right off Miami Beach." I stood up, ignoring the conversations around me and got on my phone.

(No One's P.o.V)

"Yes, I'd like three tickets for a flight to Miami?... Thanks, Mimi. I'll send you the money when I get back." All three of them fell silent after their bickering over the Miami condo and Archer barfing. "What?" She asked. Malory squinted a bit in a patronizing way.

"What are your secrets, Miranda North?" She asked, curious. Miranda smirked. "There is no such thing as a secret. Only hidden lies within your own lies." Miranda then walked towards the exit.

"I expect to meet you two in Miami later on. I'll be leaving now, you guys can have your pretty little time to pack." She spoke. Archer quickly followed the red haired girl out of the room.

"Don't you need to pack too?" Archer asked. Miranda chuckled. "Unlike most agents here, I think ahead. And I actually put my office to use." She explained. Archer's eyes widened.

"Your what?! You have an office?!" He exclaimed. Miranda looked at him with curiosity. "Don't you?" She asked. He groaned. "This is so unfair! I can't believe this. Mother gives you an office, nut not me, the top agent, ALSO her Son!" Miranda just left Archer to his complaining.

 **A/N: Thanks for the reviews/views/favorites guys! And sorry if I don't do the spacing correctly. '-_- It is definitely not my strong point.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

"Where's the jackass?" I asked, flipping to the next page of the manga I had just gotten into. What? I like reading it. I'm not like… Full on obsessed with it, but I'll enjoy it when I can. Conway sighed as he sat down next to me.

"He's still hitting on one of them flight attendants." He replied. I 'tsked' at that.

"That's Archer. Careless womanizer. One day his womanizing ways will bite him in the ass." I said. I felt eyes looking me up and down. "You know, from what I've heard around the office-"

"And by the 'office', you mean Pam?" I cut him off, not bothering to look up.

"Uh. Yeah. She said, unlike everyone else in the office, you don't really spend a lot of time in there. But I've seen you around a lot."

I glanced at him. "Uh… You know how we hired you for diversity hire?" He hummed in response. "Well, Malory also hired you because ISIS has been running out of active field agents. Ray, Lana, Archer, Cyril and I are the only ones that go out for the missions. Well, Cyril may seem like an ordinary worker here, but he's been out in the field like.. Two or three times." I finished.

"Oh." He said, not really sounding like he cared. 'Then why the hell did you ask?'

Conway leaned towards me a bit. "What'cha readin?" He asked me. I shoved him away, glaring. "Back off."

"Attempting rape again, Conway?" A familiar voice said. I looked up to see Archer glaring down at Conway. Conway turned his head and I then noticed how sad and empty the back of his head looked….. So does he think he looks better without hair, or is he unable to grow it back?

"Haha. No, Archer. Just curious." Conway laughed it off. I stood up, grabbing my small bag that held some other books and my iPod. "Alright, you girls can sit together. I'll just sit in Archer' seat." I stepped over Conway which, sadly, gave him a good look at my ass. Ugh.

As I crossed to the other aisle, the plane started moving. A bit abruptly may I add. So me, being my clumsy self, end up falling backwards. My back hit something hard and warm.

I felt a hand slightly grip my shoulder and looked up. Archer. Why? Why me?

I glared at him as he smirked. I got my balance back and shoved him into Conway's lap.

"Don't touch me. Now, we've got a few hours stuck on this plane together, and I'd like it to be quiet." I demanded.

Archer shot up from Conway's lap and glared back at me. "Oh. I'm sorry, it's not MY fault YOU can't keep your balance. Jesus, how can you be so clumsy and still become an agent-" I slapped my hand over his mouth. "Shut the hell up, do you want to get found out?!" I hissed. I let out a shriek and pulled back.

"You licked me!" I was about to say some more, but an attendant came and told us to sit down. I huffed and plopped down in my seat.

I felt eyes on me again and looked to the seat next to me… A little kid was staring at me. I internally scoffed and crossed my legs before going back to reading.

'Do parents not wash their kids faces after they have a snack? There's some type of chocolate or pudding all over his mouth and chin.'

"God, this is so Classic mother!" Archer exclaimed, walking around the condo. What's his problem?

"Yeah, it's uh, pretty tastefully done." Conway said, preparing a gun on the balcony.

"No, you ass. The selfishness. She never shares anything with anybody." Archer complained. I rolled my eyes at his childishness.

"If you had a condo like this, would you share it?" I shot back. Archer snapped his head to where I was sitting. "Hell no… Oh wait…" I sighed as I stood up and walked onto the balcony next to Conway, peering down at the civilians.

"Okay, you're meeting Shmeck at the café across the street down there." Conway set up the automatic and aimed started peeping through the scope.

"And, uh, why do you have that exactly?" I seen Archer held a gun to his head as Conway explained the reason, and compared it to a condom. That is actually… Pretty accurate. I stood up straight, feeling a certain something starting… "Er. I'm gonna go to the bathroom." I quickly rushed away from the two, not wanting it to go to my panties.

"Dammit." I cursed as I seen it did what I didn't want it to do. I hate being on my period. Why, today of all days, did it have to start? I mean, couldn't it have waited until later? Like… When I'm not on a mission?

I walked back into the living room to see Archer gone. "Is Archer down there?" I called out as I grabbed my bag. I heard Conway pulling the trigger multiple times. "And you, might want to duck." I heard Conway say. Oh... They must be finishing it then.

I laughed as I walked over to Conway. "So, is being an agent all what you thought it'd be?" I asked. He turned to me, a new look in his eyes. "No, actually it's better." I noticed his dramatic change in tone. "I can get rid of people and lie about it." I started walking away from him.

"Conway, whatever you are planning to do, don't do it." I said, holding my hand up. He just laughed at me before swinging the gun in his hand. The last things I remember was as pain in my head.

"-I mean, I was actually kind of planning to kill you." Archer said. "Wait, what?" Conway asked, a sense of fakeness in his voice that Archer seemed to miss. "I know, I know. Now I'm totally embarrassed. Hey, where's Miranda?" Archer asked, noticing the missing redhead.

"Oh she's still in the bathroom. Hey, you know what? Water under the bridge, dude. M-matter of fact, come here. Let's man-hug it." Archer looked around awkwardly. "Uh. Yeah, alright." Conway pulled the piercing blue eyed man in, speaking. "I mean, we are going to be family. Once I marry your mom." "Wait, what?!" Archer exclaimed. Conway laughed. "I'm kidding, God man. Relax." Conway said.

"Cause for a second there, I mean not in a racist way but-" Archer cut himself off as he felt something penetrate his back and into his lung..

"… Conway?" "Yeah, buddy." "Uh… Are there more bad guys behind me?" Archer asked… ".. Nope." Conway assured. "You dick." Archer spoke before Conway dropped him.

"Hahahahahaha. You dumbass. I set this whole thing up! I just needed a stand in for those broke ass Cubans." Conway taunted. "Yeah. I get it." Archer said. "I mean, come on. The Chinese will pay five times as much for the Whisper Drive. And once they do, let's just say. You better learn how to use chopsticks." Conway said, cuffing the silver briefcase to his wrist.

The door to the bathroom was suddenly busted open, falling in the bedroom. "Conway! Where the hell are you?!" The men heard a furious woman's voice.

Miranda appeared, looking angry. "You son of a bitch! I should've killed you when I had the chance." She pulled out her gun, but Conway also held a small pistol in his hand. They aimed at each other, and shot at the same time. Both moved out of the way, still getting skimmed, but Conway shot once again, hitting Miranda in her left arm.

"Fuck." She hissed in pain, holding her right arm and aiming with her left.

Conway jumped behind the couch as she shot, hitting the wall area where his head had just been. He stood up and shot at her. Hitting her in the upper left thigh. She fell to the ground in pain.

"Conway, wait! Just answer me one question!" Archer yelled. "Yeah make it quick! My ride's here." Conway said, catching a rope that appeared beside him. Most likely the helicopter that Archer could hear. "And…" Archer coughed. "Your lungs are filling up with blood."

"Did you-have sex with my mother?" Archer strained. Once Conway realized what he was asking, he exclaimed, "Wait,. What? That is your only question? Not who am I, not how did you infiltrate ISIS, or-or who the hell's flying the helicopter?" Conway asked back.

"Just answer the question!" Archer yelled. Miranda seemed to groan loudly and managed to roll her eyes.

"No, Archer. I didn't have sex with your mom! And that? That right there, that kind of racism is exactly why I can't wait to see tiny little Chinese boots wrapped around your white ass necks. Which may sound hypocritical, I know, but… Would you go?!" Conway shouted, tugging the rope.

Just as Conway was lifted into the air, a grappling hook shot into the briefcase.

"Sorry, Conway. Wait. Shit, I had something for this." Lana said. Miranda seen the tall mocha skinned woman, and for the first time, she felt relief at her presence.

"Is it something like, "You don't get off the hook that easy"?" Conway asked, grunting in pain as Lana pulled the gun back. "Dammit." She tugged even harder in anger.

"Yeah, he's good at those." Archer managed to say. Lana glared down at him. "Well, crawl over there and blow him." She said. She heard a slight laugh from another area in the room and looked to see Miranda lying on the floor, holding her arm. She was laughing but her eyes were shut in pain.

"Now drop the case, Conway!" Lana groaned as she started stepping backwards and tugging EVEN Harder. "It's cuffed on, woman! And how the hell are your hands so strong?!"

Miranda couldn't help but peek just in time to watch the skin be ripped apart on Conway's arm. He screamed in pain and Miranda's eyes widened in horror.

"You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern! Which is not my real naaaamee!"

Miranda finally started getting control over her pain, it slightly becoming numb. She pushed herself up and looked over at Conway's hand to see blood still pouring out of the end. She made a face of disgust before looking over at Lana.

"Oi." She said, getting the brunette's attention. "How strong are you anyways?" Miranda asked, making a mental note to not go up against Lana.

"Truckasaurus." Archer wheezed. He coughed up some more blood.

Lana dropped the grappling gun down on his back, near his knife wound.

Archer groaned out in pain. "Dammit! Just help already!" Archer tried to yell before coughing once again.

 **A/N: ^.^ All done. Btw, Thank you** _ **Red Witch**_ **and** _ **snake screamer**_ **for the reviews!**

 **Sorry if I didn't do it the way you expected me to,** _ **snake screamer**_ **, I was unsure of how else to word it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey reader's! Sorry, meant to post a few days ago. Just never got a chance to write with all my schoolwork and things going on in my life. So here ya go! ^.^**

 **Chapter Four**

"Torvald Utne." Malory said. I was inside her office as she explained a meeting that has been set up in her apartment. Along with the jackass that calls himself a 'spy'.

"The Olympic shot-putter?" Archer asked. I rolled my eyes at his stupidity.

Malory turned to face us. "The chairman of the UN Intelligence Committee. Do you not even _skim_ through the briefings in your inbox?" Malory said, frustrated. "I have an inbox?" Archer said… I think he was being sarcastic?...

"Utne is the one who decides which agency gets the insanely lucrative UN contract. And as you may or…" Archer used his finger to stir some lemonade in his cup… I rolled my eyes. Malory glared at him. "Probably don't know, for six years running, the contract has gone to ODIN." Malory finishes.

"Ugh. The organization of Douche bags in, in.. Wait, I had something for this." I stood up straight from leaning on the window as I watched the two insult the agency. Until I finally cut in. "The point is, ISIS needs that UN contract." I got Malroy back on task.

"Right. So I'm going to woo Mr. Torvald Utne—" "Gross" Archer cut in "—With a dinner party tonight."

"And you're uninviting me in advance?" Archer suggested. "Normally, yes. But this party is different and very important so absolutely nothing can go wrong."

"I'm taking my leave." I spoke as I walked through the door just to hear them bickering about a date.

I sighed as I rang the doorbell. For the dinner party, I decided to wear a dark gray women's suit. I wore actual heels that made me look slightly taller, but I knew I'd still be short. Hey, I'm exactly five foot.

"You're late." Malory said, slightly glaring. I smiled a bit. "Sorry, my date was running late." I said, walking in with him behind me.

"Ah, Gillette. This is your date? I thought he was gay!" Malory exclaimed. Ray sighed. "I am. I just thought I'd tag along. Free food, you know." He commented as we walked into the main room.

I leaned over to Ray. "Thanks for coming. I didn't wanna be alone." He smiled at me. "No problem, hun." He replied in a whisper as well.

Not long after, the doorbell rang again. Ray was talking/gossiping with Lana, so I decided to see who it was.

"-Gravlax and failure! I thin Lana just broke Torvald's hand!" Malory exclaimed. "Truckasaurus." I heard an imitation of a robot. "And we won't win that contract if… Who on God's green earth dressed you?!" I see Archer standing next to his mother, his shirt unbuttoned, tie not tied, and his entire suit was all messed up.

"Nobody, that's why I'm late! Woodhouse just disappeared." Archer said…. But I just saw him in the.. I couldn't take it. I appeared in front of Archer, fixing up his suit. I fixed his oddly done/unfinished buttons before doing his tie. After that, I pulled on the bottom of the sleeves to get some of the bulged lines in them. I fixed his shoulders, which had fabric pushed together.

I sighed, stepping back to admire the work. "You look like yourself again." I said, satisfied.

Archer smirked. "And what would that be?" He flirted. The smile left my face and I glared. "A jackass." I sneered before speeding to the small bathroom. I looked in the mirror, scoffing.

'Why the hell is he such a jackass anyways? Sure, Malory wasn't there, but Woodhouse is always there for him. Jeez.'

After internally ranting some more, I took a deep breath. Let's go. I walked out to see a *cough* Whore *cough* Woman with Archer.

Wait a minute… That's not just any woman. The Needle! What the hell is a Russian agent doing here?!

We were all sat around the table. "Is everyone comfy?" Malory asked… Okay, not weird at all. We all made some response of 'Yea'. Archer was at the other end of Malory, and I was to his left, Lana was next to me, Cyril her, then Malory at the end, the whore on her left, and then Torvald and so on.

"Sterling, Miranda, Lana? You all have a clear line of sight to.. the kitchen?" Malory asked.

"Yes."

"Sure, I think so."

"Yeah."

Malory smiled. "Well, then let's eat. First bell!" Malory said/sang. "Wow. Forgot how much I hated that." Archer said.

It's Malory. Of course she used a bell for something in Archer's childhood. For what though?

"Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake Nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed!" Everyone, including me, laughed at the story.

"Mother!" Archer exclaimed. "Wait, whose bed?" I asked.

"It was always 'don't ask, don't tell'." Woodhouse told me, and I snickered.

"Woodhouse! What are you doing?" Archer asked. "Uh, sitting down, sir." The old man replied. "What, at the table? Like people?!" "Sterling!" Malory scolded her son. "What? Look, he thinks he's people!" Sterling exclaimed. "Woodhouse, dear, have a seat." Woodhouse sat down slowly. "Very kind of you, ma'am." "Shut up." Malory snapped… Wow.. You just can't win, can you?

"Torvald, a toast?" Malory said, hoping for Utne to say something. But, "Sure, go crazy!" was his reply. "Then, um…. Hooray? Dig in." Malory said. I didn't touch my plate.

"This smells vaguely poisonous." And there is my reason. I never like eating food I didn't cook.

"Don't worry, the smell is a normal smell. This is called Janssons frestelse." Torvald told the Needle. "Frestelse." "Yes, frestelse. It means… Temptation." Torvald said, bringing the spoon to her mouth. Ugh. It went on like that, uninteresting. Until he finally fed it to her. I waited for something to happen.

I watched as she choked and then fell forward… Well, looks like Malory and Trudy will be saying their final goodbyes. "Perfidy!" Torvald yelled. Malory started freaking out and he kept threatening her and ISIS.

The next thing I knew gunshots were heard and Torvald fell to the floor. Cristal was screaming like a mad woman. "It's Okay! They're just blanks!"

Lana and I were standing above Torvald's body.. "Well, see, you say that.." Lana trailed off. "But they were blanks.. Weren't they?" She asked. "Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards." Archer said sarcastically. "WHAT?" Malory shouted. Cheryl threw up and Cyril flipped a bit.

"So in other words, they got away and we're stuck with a dead body." I finished explaining to Krieger what had just happened while he was in the bathroom.

"Alrighty, hun, I'm out of here. I got a cat to save." Ray used his usual excuse to leave me here. I reached out for him, but he was already gone.. Noooo… Eh.

"What, uh, what's the plan here?" Lana asked Archer and Malory. Woodhouse stood up. "I shall fetch a rug!" He stated. "No, you will not! That was a gift from the Azeri Khan himself." Malory stopped him. "and besides… We're not going very far."

I sighed as I lugged the gasoline can into the Beekman's home. "See? Just look at this bathroom!" Malory exclaimed. Pam looked around. "I kinda like it." She stated. "Exactly. Alright, drop them there, next to that awful Louis Quinze repro." I looked at the familiar table.

"Doesn't she have one in her bathroom?" I whispered to Archer as he stood back up. "Yeah, but don't say anything about it. She'll chop you to bits and stuff you inside it." He replied. Uh huh. What was I thinking? Of course there's no Louis Quinze in her bathroom! Haha, pfft.

"Okay, now… Cyril! Take Sterling's gun and pump a round into the prostitute." Malory said. My eyes widened. "Wait, what?" Cyril asked.

"Everyone shoots the chippy! That way we're all in it together. Think of it as a… Team-building exercise." Malory said. Wow. Way to look at the bright side, Malory.

"But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound!" Cyril exclaimed. Malory glared at the agent. "Well, ODIN can suck it. Now shoot!" Cyril looked distraught. "Ohh, Jesus." He shot the gun and Carina made a sound of disgust. Cyril pushed the gun into Malory's hand and she shot, then Carina, Krieger, Lana, Me, Pam, Archer.

"Now, Sterling I want you to put the gun between the bodies-" "No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town." I smirked, holding up the gasoline. "Not for long. Dr. Krieger, dear?" Oh.. I reluctantly handed the can to the German. "Have fun." I pouted.

"Miranda, call 911 and leave it off the hook and… Sterling!" Malory said. I seen Archer holding his pistol like it was his precious. "But this gun, it was a gift!" He claimed.

Malory rolled her eyes, throwing her arms around for dramatic effect. "Oh, please, nobody gives you gifts!" Archer squinted at his mother. "You don't know." He said, sounding like a brat. He finally backed down and dropped the gun.

We were all in Malory's apartment, eating a dessert made by the woman herself. "Well this torte's a winner, Malory." Cyril complimented. "What was the name again?" He asked.

"Kladkakka." She replied slowly.

I couldn't help but laugh at the name, Archer did too. And then everyone else joined in.

"Stop It!" Malory demanded.

"I'm sorry. That's, that's a funny word." Archer said.

"Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire." Carina admitted. I thought back to it.. "Ha ha ha!" Lana and I seemed to have laughed in sinc.. Weird. All the other's stared at us. We stared at each other..

That was awkward…

 **Hey guys…..** **I haven't really been feeling like myself lately, and as you can tell from my writing up above, it's really effecting me. Yes, I see how terrible it is at the moment. I'm just not really in the mood to fix it, or anything else for that matter. So… Hopefully next time I'll be feeling better and up to the task.**


End file.
